:: The aftermath September 21, 2007Posted by Minci 先生 in Everyday Life, Love and Relationship.
I guess doing things for other people’s sake do help. Especially when it’s an act out of love for another sister. [Recall Renjer Puteri? Help others to help yourselves]It’s not that nice being ‘the other woman’ or for that lady to be in a r’ship knowing that your bf’s ex is still head over heels over him, right? I know I would feel restless and insecure if I was that gf. Of all people, I think I should know better how that feels like, especially when I’ve got this sorta theme going around with people dearest to me at the moment.
This realization did not take long for me to figure out. That is after this stupid haywire thoughts I’ve ‘lakarkan’ in the diagram below. Ha ha.
Oklah.. perhaps some of the options should go to ‘jalan ke neraka’ as well. 😆
I’d have to accept this as one of those divine lesson. It was difficult and lots and lots of tears, self-esteem and thoughts of self-worth were involved in the whole process. Often self-talk like ‘what if I’ve done this? Would he bla bl bla?’ or ‘I shouldn’t have this and this’ or ‘should I call him? maybe he’ll think twice’. But I never got around to that. I never had the courage to try and mend things. Perhaps I was being innocent, naive or plain stupid to believe that ‘If he’s not into you, STOP’. Still, I’d like to believe that ‘If you really want something, go for it for all what’s worth’. In the end, I was as miserable as I could be and everly so confused as what I should do. And now he’s moved on. Well.. he’s moved on for ages actually, I just knew about it now. Kah kah kah.
Then, I had to think things through – took me 2 whole days (including today). I didn’t attend my tutorials and clinics because I couldn’t hide my puffy eyes , swollen face and tired complexion while doing that. 😈 If there’s anything I learnt from all this is that;
What matters the world to me may mean NOTHING to other people. Accept that.
To be careful/vigilant in the next r’ship, should I choose to accept it. [Mcm misen imporsibel plak] Do you know why it’s hard to let go? It’s because when you’re in a r’ship, you’re sharing your most deep thoughts and personal stories with the other half. It’s good when that other half later becomes your lifelong partner but when he doesn’t , you’d feel out of control because now.. ‘that story/feelings’ you don’t want other people to know (beside your best friends) is with that person who doesn’t love you anymore. I feel part of me is gone and open for the jeering, astonishment and criticism of other people should he decide to let those stories and thoughts out to the public. Although it’s not as bad as other people who leaks out their ex-gf’s nudê pictures/ celeb sëx tapes to the public etc.. there is that feeling of ntahlah.. bluekkk.. Anyway, for all I know, my lips are sealed for life. Till death calls. I’m an angel, I know. Toing! Best summarized in Pink’s Nobody Knows song.. la la la la.
Mud to one country is medicine to the other. Yea.. akulah mud itu. Terus teringat citer Rambo yang dia sorok dlm tanah tuh. Kah kah kah.. It’s just surprising sometimes to know how different I can appear to some people hence there is that geram thing to it because I actually wished he had seen me the way other guys do. Tapi tuhlah.. that’s my flaw. The more gila I behave in front of the blokes, the less chance lah kan they become my bf. Further bye2 lah, if I start using ‘aku-kau’. He he.
Oh well.. we cannot turn back time. [mode pasrah pliss] If we were meant to be, then we’ll be creating new memories together in the future, since I did a small BBQ of papers and stuff in the backyard yesterday. Miahaha.. I only hope that God would be less harsh next time in teaching me the lessons of ‘to love and being loved’ 😛 And yerp.. I will forever be holding God’s hands through thick and thin.
I appreciate the telephone calls, comments and emails. You guys definitely give me wings. For the curious minds, I’m sticking to my decision of going back to Malaysia after I graduate. In the meantime, I’ll just go back to the world of having crush on celebrities. For instance, Hady
Shukry Mirza (matilah kena panah Jet) and Taufik Batisah.
Allow me the occasional tears but no more asking about how I’m doin okay? Arigato gozaimasu..